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How and why we are attracted to certain individuals can’t be categorized into separate boxes with neat labels; the separating lines of racial, cultural, environmental, and genetic factors are much too blurry to categorize human attraction.
Through my experience, I learned that succumbing to a power dynamic imposed by external social labels was only detrimental to my own happiness.
We would be sitting in a restaurant, taking a long walk, or video chatting for hours when the question of what I was to him would hit me like a truck.
When he insisted on venturing out into the freezing cold alone to run small errands for me, I wondered if he was just laying the groundwork necessary to fulfill his exotic sexual fantasies.
As a heterosexual woman of color, I will always have to navigate the complex intersections of racial and sexual dynamics of oppression within every relationship.
These spaces are often confusing, frustrating, and exhausting to occupy; therefore, I deserve partners that understand and compensate for these obstacles.
To counteract these insecurities, I started to decline his help to carry my backpack, insist on walking instead of letting him call me Ubers, and a slew of other acts that made me feel unexplainably whole.
I sexually, psychologically, and emotionally distanced myself from him to regain my sense of self-confidence; and with each push, he got silently offended, begrudging, and eventually distant.
The profiles first go through automated screening software, which flags both traits in the profile, such as certain ethnicities, and things that aren't visible in the profile, such as certain IP addresses and even certain passwords that scammers seem to like more than other people.
I was unable to balance the need to strive against racial objectification and the need to understand the individuality of our relationship.
I needed to justify why he—a conventionally attractive white man—particularly liked my small almond-shaped eyes, my unruly black hair, and my tanned skin. For interracial relationships—particularly those between a Caucasian and a racial minority—the issue of race adds another dimension of subtle power dynamics and social expectations that, when unaddressed, can lead to their premature demise.
In the end, he abruptly went out of contact for two weeks to help his ex-girlfriend, an Asian woman with a severe chronic condition who was going through a particularly rough patch in her life.
Before we decided to end things, the last message I ever got from him was something along the lines of: “She needs me.